The Gift of Desparation
by Michelle Titian – Originally published by www.unisonfund.ca
As a singer songwriter I have been surrounded by music my entire life. For years I struggled with drugs, alcohol and depression. Most of my life I have felt completely disconnected from everyone and everything. Alcohol, being my first go to, helped me connect with others, connect with the music scene and connect to everything in a way I was not capable of doing clean and sober.
Drugs and alcohol always seemed acceptable until I started to lose all control. Continuously blacking out and hurting myself, being hospitalized and 5 concussions later, I really didn’t wake up to the fact that I had a problem until I started to lose things. One being relationships as a result of my actions.
We don’t really start waking up to the fact that we have a problem until we start losing things. Whether it be your license your job your family and friends your home even your freedom. Fear drove me into the rooms of a 12 step recovery program. I had lost my will to live and completely hated everything about myself. I was dying from a disease I had no clue about and continuously couldn’t understand why I couldn’t stay stopped from alcohol. I could stop, but I couldnt stay stopped, and that was my problem! It took me a good six months of being in and out of the rooms of recovery for me to finally surrender and accept the truth. I was lying to myself and continuously living in denial that I had a problem surrounding myself with people that would justify my drinking and my actions.
The gift of desperation! I call desperation a gift because I needed to get to a place where I was completely desperate in order to surrender to the truth and ask for help. Being almost 7 years clean and sober I can honestly tell you that was probably the best decision I’ve ever made in my entire life. I needed to ask for help. I needed to admit I had a problem. When I finally surrendered to the truth and surrendered to a 12 step program, I was finally, for the first time in my life, able to stay stopped.
Michelle runs a FREE easy-to-follow guided morning meditation for artists three times a week. All are welcome.
*Unison’s Counselling & Health Solutions connects members of our music community to licensed professionals at no cost. Canadian music professionals can register with Unison and call 1-855-9UNISON to receive help with mental health challenges, so that no one has to feel alone.